Integration

I often fantasized about the welcoming parade that would be waiting for me upon my arrival back to the United States. I pictured the a long parade, with baton twirlers and soldiers carrying American flags. Most importantly, I saw my whole family, immediate and extended, waiting at the end to help me off my princess float and smother me in hugs and kisses. The reality ended up being slightly different. It was like arriving to a barren land, full of remnants of past battles and lacking any natural resources which one looking for a home would normally identify with. My disappointment was overwhelming.


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Maternal Instinct: Non-Exsistent

It's hard to comprehend the inner workings of my mother's diabolical mind or muse about her selfish ulterior motives. Undoubtedly, menopause has intensified her longstanding feelings of jealousy, clouding any remnants of maternal compassion.

Vibrant stories of her youth flash through my mind as I fix purposely on her abundant details of her perfect figure and bountiful social circle. The glaring signs, however, that point to the pitfalls of her romantic spins make me question the sincerity of them. At just 17, she gave up medical school and abandoned her newborn to her mother while she escaped to the United States to become a nurse.

Her anticipation abounded as the romantic visions of America were somewhat confirmed upon arrival. For years she lived a fantasy, making money, finding the man of her dreams and, giving birth to an "American baby" as she described me to her mother in a letter just a few weeks after that day in 1986.

According to my doting father, I blossomed into a perfect mixture of my tall, slim mother and my tan, white-smiled father. With the dwindling of my mother's superficial beauty, her self-obsession turned into wild jealousy...

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Loosening the Corset

I have decided to write my daily musings in order to loosen the corset that has been so restrictive this last year. I have no expectations in the way of followers and have no desire to mold my thoughts around the interests of any passersby. My sole desire is to express those thoughts which I may be otherwise prohibited to do in my everyday life.

Through the emotional loss of my parents, a year in Spain living in a boot camp, and hundreds of incompetent books read, my my mind is in knots and my heart is anywhere but on my sleeve. I am struggling to enjoy my youth and contain my superior intelligence and wisdom which I possess over other people my age. From here, my story begins...

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